Good BYe my "Friends"

First of all, great poem. You can tell it really has depth beneath it. I think everyone covered all the critiques I had...and I'm lazy, so I'm just going to say how good it was! I'm wondering if you could have put it into stanzas, though. Not sure. Just fix what everyone said and it'll be a great poem, or an even greater poem.
Great job.
-Mizzle

Hi Ed. I know I told you about rewording some parts maybe to make it flow better or to make better I'm not sure how to help you there. But I did pick up on some punctuation.



I am done... #FF8000 ">I think this would be fine with a period or semicolon.
away with the bottles,
away with the drugs ! #FF8000 ">I wouldn't recommend the exclamation point.
I am trading in my escapes
for salvation.

I've said goodbye
to the walls, #FF8000 ">I would take out the comma, there doesn't need to be a pause here.
that held the smoke,
that took me places
I couldn't even imagine.

I gave my farewells
to my abuser,
the forced sadness
and pent up tears,
a growing warmth
that i refused to embrace, #FF8000 ">The dreaded I capitalize it
trickling down my face...
This isn't a sad time.

I'm trading in my escapes
for my one and only salvation.

I've smashed my bottles
I will drink no more... #FF8000 ">Again the ellipses aren't really necessary.
tearing me up inside #FF8000 ">This line confused me a little bit, it didn't really seem to fit with those around it.
I am no different than him,
my father,
I deserve to die ! #FF8000 ">This sentence is meant to be powerful, but not powerful enough for the exclamation mark.
for I have traded my self respect, #FF8000 ">no comma
for an empty soul
and an empty bottle...

I've said my goodbyes
now I must go...
To trade my ways
for new respect,
new peace of mind,
a soul worth having
and my only true
escape.


Okay, I thought that since I did half of the poem you could see the rest in the last stanza and a half. I don't know if those are proper corrections but they fit with the way I read the poem, the breaking a the flow that was going through my head needed this. I feel like the message is conveyed but there are things that you could do to make it shine through a little bit more. Good luck, I hope this helps.

~peanut~

Good Evening Teddiebear,

I would give this poem a fair bit of restructuring and rewording. The message that you're laying out for us is good stuff, but it's a beginning. Don't cast this aside for later. Pick it up, while it's new, and revise it.

The ellipsis and exclamation point: Two punctuation marks you don't want to use in poetry. Poems should just convey everything; you shouldn't have to rely on exclaimy points to show a point of excitement, and the ellipsis makes you sound indecisive. Kill both of them.

Try not to just 'tell' us the story, Ed. Make an effort to convey your message in slightly less obvious words, dear. Eliminate unnecessary lines and words to give a cleaner overall appearance to this.

Definitely of your better ones, though. The punctuation is a slight set-off, dear, because it's almost adding another definition. Keep writing, man.

June

The Joker wrote:I am done...
away with the bottles,
away with the drugs !
I am trading in my escapes
for salvation.

I've said goodbye
to the walls,
that held the smoke,
that took me places
I couldn't even imagine.

I found that part to be confusing. Poetry is all about expressing your emotions, but also making sure that the reader understands what your point is. Unclear poetry be death.
I gave my farewells
to my abuser,
the I believe you mean to say "that"? If not then again, confusing. Clear up. forced sadness
and pent up tears, ..Fragment. Haha, sorry. d: I had to point that out. Even though I believe it is fine in poetry? I am not sure.
a growing warmth
that i refused to embrace,] The three parts I put ] behind. Confusing. What warmth? What embrace? I honestly find the second part of the brackets "tricking down.." to be something thrown in there just to have a rhyme pattern. Good poetry is based on it's message, it's passion, it's emotion. Not it's rhyming scheme.trickling down my face... ]
This isn't a sad time.]

I'm trading in my escapes
for my one and only salvation.

I've smashed my bottles
I will drink no more...
tearing me up inside What is tearing you up inside?
I am no different than him,
my father,
I deserve to die !
for I have traded my self respect,
for an empty soul
and an empty bottle...No need for "..." dear.

I've said my goodbyes
now I must go...Again.."..." no no.To trade my ways
for new respect,
new peace of mind,
a soul worth having
and my only true
escape.

Hey there! I really felt the emotion in this poem. Also, I like the metaphor in the title. And since it's a metaphor, you don't need the quotation marks so I would strongly suggest taking them out. I'm still not a fan of your elipses, either. Some lines I really like:

I am trading in my escapes

I've said goodbye
to the walls,
that held the smoke,
that took me places
I couldn't even imagine.

I gave my farewells
to my abuser,
the forced sadness
and pent up tears,
a growing warmth
that i refused to embrace,
trickling down my face...
This isn't a sad time.